Finding my Way Home

"Now I see that the journey was never meant to lead to some new and improved version of me; that it has always been about coming home to who I already am." – Katrina Kenison

I have been limping along, depleted from these long months of worry and caregiving. As a little family we are now stumbling our way into a post-treatment normalcy, pushing worry to the back of our minds. I have a few weeks of talk therapy behind me. It’s been good to have that additional perspectives, with gentle prodding into dropping some unhealthy behaviors. I showed my therapist two of my recent watercolors that I thought described where I was in life. I said that this one was my longing to get away from being needed for a while.

Innisfree was on my mind as I finished it.

She thought that it looked like stepping out of the boat into a new beginning. My challenge is there in the last stanza-to keep the painted scene in my mind’s eye, and the peace in my deep heart’s core. I’m not there yet, but I feel like I am on the path to it.

Painting has taken a lighter turn, as I am drawn to more hopeful images. Just finished this one, in praise of spring, a bit late in the year’s cycle for that, but glad to be feeling a bit lighter. Again, I lost track of the source of the reference photo.

Next up on the art board is a floral. In my watercolor class, there are several other students who do wonderful floral work. I have painted so few. This one hasn’t lost its freshness yet, so I hope it will turn out well.

The local does have been avoiding our property these first weeks of June. I think the fawns arrived a bit late this year. I missed our semi-tame Charlotte, who lives across the street at the nature center that raised her. I took some early morning walks, and saw her at the edge of the meadow, one day with a young fawn prancing about in the tall weeds. I took my sketchbook one morning, and managed some pencil work. I have put this photo in my painting queue. I can see it as a watercolor, let’s see if I can paint it…

I gave myself permission to ask the question, “What do I want?” How do I wish the remaining years of my life to unfold. I was drawn to a youtube channel that suddenly rose to my notice, called The Last Homely House. A kindly woman, about my age, who posts about her quilting, spinning, sewing, knitting, gardening. She always looks so genuinely kind and happy to be doing what she is doing. I am pulling multiple creative pursuits close to me again, with wide open arms.

Been sewing a lot. I started a blue and white quilt, because blue is my most soothing color. This will take me quite some time to piece.

I took a side road into a colorwash scrap quilt by Terry Rowland after seeing it at the Last Homely House.

I jumped in on a mini-mystery at my favorite quilt shop. I bought a bag making kit there and finished it. I bought templates to make a table runner. Suddenly my quilt room was a chaos of color.

I remembered a truth that my depression had hidden from me. Creativity is my self-care.

I have two projects on my knitting needles, one a charity hat, and the other an intricate colorwork hat for myself. I am trying to finish up my anxiety-driven granny squares.

I do well enough crafting on my own, but need to socialize occasionally among other multi-crafty people. I reached out to a Saturday group I had been part of for years, but fell away from during the years my mom’s health was declining. I was welcomed back yesterday with warmth. Someone walked into the coffee shop, saw us with our needles and hooks humming and ran out to get her project bag from the car, and we widened the circle. Yarn people at the best.

How do I free up time to do all this?

Offloading some household tasks onto the shared responsibility list. Simplifying meal prep. Menu planning so that I need fewer trips to the grocery store each week. Getting up earlier and cutting my scrolling time way down. Understanding what meaningful self-care is for me and embracing it, protecting it, nurturing it.

I might do a remedial pass through the Artist’s Way. Let me know if you wish to join me.

How are you? Do you feel that life has pushed you too far outside of your true self? Are you seeking the way back?

Here are some good resources:

• A Light in the Chaos

• The Restoration Project

• The Quiet Work….

  @thewayback2ourselves

May all that is unforgiven in you,
Be released.

May your fears yield
Their deepest tranquilities.

May all that is unlived in you,
Blossom into a future,
Graced with love.

by John O’Donohue