This update promises to be stream of consciousness with light editing, if any. Creative time has shrunk considerably due to a noisy demolition project in a slate floor below my usual desk. Also, I am in the midst of a bunch of cardiology tests because of a slight change in a recent EKG. Then, there is my old cat, who is slowing down week by week and now reminds me of my mom on hospice care. Eats, sleeps, seems interested in play but unable to muster the energy to participate. I spend a lot of time just sitting with him while he rests, in the small TV room on the other end of the first floor from the slate flooring removal project. Also, my desktop computer died so I was unable to write for a few days.
Today I have set up my old chromebook in my son’s old bedroom. Old cat is resting happily on the windowsill.
I am determined to try to pull together this WW post and schedule it for release on an actual Wednesday. In true introvert fashion, I will just interview myself and see what happens.
Hey Jo, did you see yesterday’s eclipse?
Yes, sort of. I was sitting with Clyde the cat in a quiet room and noticed the sunlight was streaming into a side window, so I made a quick pinhole camera and was able to get enough of a view. I think it is grwat that so many people were able to enjoy the event safely, whether alone or in a crowd but I did not buy eclipse glasses that will likely end up in the trash or waste gasoline driving to the nearest site where they were given away free, because using a pinhole camera reminded me of the eclipses I watched as a child. I grew up in a two family house we shared with my Aunt, Uncle and two cousins, one of whom loved astronomy. Our backyard and driveway were the gathering spots for neighborhood kids during the eclipses. I think we had partial visibility of the 1970 solar eclipse and several lunar eclipses.
Contrasted with today, we just did as we were told and DID NOT LOOK UP at the sun. No special glasses. My cousin had a telescope with an attachment for displaying the image onto a piece of white metal from the eyepiece, and we were able to pinhole view it as well. For lunar eclipses, we all sat in the yard in those old aluminum and webbing lawn chairs, with flashlights and popsicles and Shop-Rite store brand cans of soda, and took turns viewing through the telescope. So this eclipse gave me an opportunity to savor those memories.
A newscaster described it as a once in a lifetime event that brought people together. Maybe we should all greet the rising sun every say as such a unifying event.
Hey Jo, you haven’t posted many paintings recently. What have you been doing?
Well, I have been clearing out my kitchen to get ready for the big remodel, going to doctor’s appointments, knitting charity hats, and reading quite a bit more. Recently, someone on a notes thread Graeme Outerbridge left a comment on one of my paintings that reminded me of a story by Clarissa Pinkola Estes Reyes (who is here on Substack but doesn’t post yet) called The Wolf’s Eyelash, which was the last chapter in her book Women who Run with the Wolves. I probably read this when I was too young to understand much of it, but in browsing through the table of contents, I found the poem in Chapter 16, then turned to Chapter 10, which was about nourishing the creative life.
You really need to read this chapter to understand the ebb and flow of our creativity and how to reclaim it from our own lethargy, self doubt and business as well as the external barbs of criticism, minimization and competing demands for your time.
“…a woman’s creative ability is her most valuable asset, for it gives outwardly and it feeds her inwardly at every level…the wild nature pours out endless possibilities, acts as birth channel, invigorates, slakes thirst, satiates our hunger for the deep and wild life.”
I feel like the whole book needs a slow and thoughtful reread by me, as it will help me understand the past stages of my life and settle more comfortably into the changes ahead. If you have read this book, please let me know how it affected you in the comments.
The other book I am currently reading is Enchantment by Katherine May. I loved Wintering, and haven’t yet read The Electricity of All Living Things. I guess I thought Enchantment would be merely a book of advice about how to be in the world with that childlike joy of finding beauty in our everyday. It is so much more than that, as the subtitle hints: Reawakening wonder in an exhausted age. Let me know if you have read it, and what you thought about it.
Both books are about finding our way back to something that we lost but desperately need. Call it enchantment or call it the timeless wild wise woman.
I only had Covid once very recently and I never had long covid. I am still afflicted with Covid lockdown symptoms though: fear, despair, waiting for the next thing to go wrong, and very little desire to get out of the house and socialize in person. Before Covid, I went to church weekly and found some peace there. Now I can’t abide being in any crowded place. More than that, I am thirsty for a more direct connection with God, and ways to ecpand my understanding. This is addressed in May’s book as well as rekindling our sense of wonder.
In this very slowly evolving Spring, I have been way too slow to come out of my winter. I have not ventured out on many winter walks. Consequently, my endurance has suffered, and perhaps that is what made my EKG go a bit wonky. My stress tolerance, which somehow got me through 15 years of being sandwiched between my aging parents and my growing sons’ teenager/young adult years, seems to have gone down to the lowest levels.
Today I ventured out for a walk alone just after first light. A walk earlier in the week with my husband left me exhausted into the next day. When I walk alone, I can stop and look around more, and think more, and wonder more, mostly staring at the first shafts of light hitting the trees or the ground.
To make sure I was walking at a pace that was ok for whatever is or isn’t wrong with my heart, I sang a repeating chant or hummed it while I walked. Early morning woodland walks will serve as my ritual for now. I saw the light seep in, and I saw that it was good. Maybe that is a touchpoint with the divine I can start with.
I saw dear Charlotte. She was healed here as an orphan by the wildlife rehab team and she does not fear humans. The tag in her ear tells hunters she is off limits. She is shorter than the other does, so she is venturing deeply into the briars to find her greens, scratching off her winter coat early on the thorns The taller deer have nibbled the edges of the meadow higher than she can reach
I stayed by her for a while, holding down some branches she could not reach on her own. I watched the gentle movement of a fawn in her belly as she ate.
She is a visual metaphor gor how I feel grasping at something just out of her reach to feed the new life being created within.
Hey Jo, are you painting anything these days?
I would like to finish the series of 30 small square gouache paintings, and I have one started, but the reference photo was on the desktop computer so I put it aside, I should probably do some watercolor warmups too, and continue with my course backlog from Shari Blaukopf. I can’t make any promises, because the contractor team is due to start either on the 15th or the 22nd and life will be really crazy then. I also need to be ready for anything when I sit with the cardiologist to review his tests on May 6. I feel less anxious about it today, because I have convinced myself that it is just my poor stress management and/or working out too hard at the gym that had me feeling a bit of chest pressure.
Have you been journaling Jo?
No, my days seem to lack a framework based on Clyde’s needs and my husband’s demolition schedule. I think I need to journal my way through these two books to capture and distill the wisdom they provide.
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Thanks Jodie. Stress test on wednesday, consult to review all tests on May 6.
Ah dear Clyde soaking up those rays of sun. I hope that all is well at your next cardiologist appointment. It's lovely to know what you've been experiencing. You write with such grace.